And I know that it’s sad that I settle for the backburner (your backburner)
“I didn’t care that I was settling for a fraction of a relationship with him when I knew I was deserving of so much more. I was willing to settle for whatever he would give me because a fraction of him was better than nothing at all.”
Among all the passages I’ve highlighted from the book “Call it what you want,” this one caught my attention and hit me hard like a sucker punch in the gut.
Sloane Hart, the book’s main character, is a hopeless romantic who has always thought that her perfect love tale exists somewhere. When she met Ethan Brady, she knew he was the one whom she’ll love ‘till the end. She was willing to take chances for him. She can envision her future with him. He had all of her. When it came to Ethan, she was all in, even if it meant being Ethan’s backburner.
Ethan Brady, on the other hand, holds a different perspective. He does not see a future with her. Clearly, he did not want to be in a relationship with Sloane. He only enjoyed the thought and comfort of Sloane being by his side when he needed her, not spending eternity with her and loving each other and being in each other’s embrace.
As I flipped through the pages, highlighted passages, cried over their non-existent relationship, and overthinking what could’ve been, I realized I was very much like Sloane. Sloane Hart is me.
Every word, detail, and scenarios in the book resonates with me. Especially Sloane’s perspective on Ethan.
Sloane never had the guts to ask Ethan about the situation they have, because she was afraid she’ll lose him if she did, and I can see myself on her.
Sloane gave Ethan more time in the hopes that perhaps he would choose her but I know that was just an excuse to delay the ending of their no-label relationship. She didn’t want to lose him, but since she wasn’t what he had wanted in the first place, Ethan was prepared to let her go. He was everything for Sloane, but for Ethan she was nothing.
She is a backburner (his backburner) and I can see myself on her.
I’m always willing to settle for less than I deserve just to keep that person. I’m willing to wait even though that person is unsure of me. I make time for them always and wait until they love me back even if it’s impossible. I always make it obvious that I want them in my life even if they don’t want me in theirs. I’m always “I know I don’t have to, but I want to,” for that person. For him, I’m ready to take risks and I was all-in, always.
The worst part of being a backburner is realizing that somewhere, deep down, you knew it the entire time that the possibility of “us” being together will never happen like asymptotes that constantly approaches a given curve but does not meet at any infinite distance.
If you were to ask me, would I have done the same thing? Yes, I still would and I’ll never regret it even though that person was just a lesson for me to learn. He’ll always be my favorite lesson & almost.
I know I’ll meet someone who will love the depths of my being. Someone who’ll value and love me more than what I deserve. Someone who’s worth risking for and is willing to risk for me, too. Someone who’ll love me in the way I want to be loved and will treat me as his main and not just his second option when their first option is unavailable. Someone who’ll love the idea of me by their side for a lifetime and not just for the time being.
Someday, I’ll meet someone who’ll not treat me as their backburner.
No, we didn’t date. Technically, he’s not an ex-boyfriend. He’s an ex-something. An ex-maybe. An ex-almost. Maybe that’s all we’ll ever be — an incomplete sentence or a book that someone put down halfway through and never picked back up. Finished without an ending. — Call It What You Want by Alissa DeRogatis (2023)
