I was with them and yet I was alone.
“I always put my all in for a friendship and ended up getting nothing in return.”
In a room filled with tons of people from different circles, I’m with my so-called ”friends.” Sitting with them on the couch as they started talking loudly about a certain topic that I couldn’t seem to relate to. As they began to laugh, the volume overwhelmed my ears, and I began to feel uncomfortable, unwelcome, and left out. I realized that even though we’d been friends for a long time, there was still a part of me that was unable to touch them in a way that my hands could not.
Being alone and feeling lonely are two different things indeed. I befriended them because I was alone, and yet when I was with them, they made me feel lonely.
“Why are you walking behind us?”
“Why are distancing yourself from us?”
I feel left out. My presence seemed unwelcome, like a square peg in a round hole, so I built a distance. In my quiet moments, I keep wondering if being with this circle of friends is still worthwhile, or if I should just cut them all off entirely. Because no matter how hard I tried to remember the good times we had together and the times when I was there for y’all, the disrespect and mistreatment were simply too loud. Did I ever mean as much to you as you mean to me?
All I wanted was to be someone’s best friend and favorite friend, but I knew I’d never be that person for anyone. I was always the second option, the “backup friend,” “the floater friend,” and “the backburner friend” whom they approached when their first pick was unavailable when things were tough or they were down, and when they needed something from me. They will only talk to me when it is convenient for them, then leave once they have what they want and abandon me as if I were nothing. I am that friend that everyone likes and has no problems with, but is never anyone’s first choice.
It’s unfair because there was me when they needed a friend, but where were they when I needed a friend?
I always try my best to make others feel loved, heard, and cared for but no one ever tries to show me that effort. I always feel left out, even if they say they love me and they care for me because they always make me feel otherwise.
It hurts but I realized I need to let go of that friendship. I need to depart from them for my own well-being and we should part ways. I need to put and prioritize myself first, and I know it’s for the better since a true friend or group of friends would not have treated me that way.
I’m not going to lie, I miss that circle terribly, but not how they treated me. I don’t want to be in a friendship that made me compromise my mental health for theirs while also making me feel unappreciated and drained. Now I’m left all alone, and you know what hurts the most? They can still function completely and feel whole without me, while I’m here, still trying to sort things out and fix myself for the damage they have caused me.
Even though we had good times together, I don’t regret cutting them out of my life since I did what was best for me.
I have to prioritize myself above all else, and I do not believe this is a selfish act, but rather a courageous one.
Walking past, knowing everything about each other but acting as strangers again.
