If I was brave enough to speak, would it make a difference?
“Why are you afraid to speak up?”
Same question. Why exactly I am afraid? That question kept lingering on my mind since then but one thing is for sure, judgement is one of the reason. Deep within me, I want my parents, friends, crush — everyone or even the world to hear the thoughts that I have been keeping in my mind but something is holding me back.
I used to be a brave kid who was not afraid of voicing out. Speaking in front of everyone? Not my problem at all. I can voice out with pride and confidence. I can say whatever I want without fear. I can even speak whatever or whenever I want without holding myself back but that changed when I reached puberty.
“Can you solve this problem on the board and explain it to your classmates?”
Upon hearing those I knew I was doomed. Well, not to brag but I do know how to solve it and I understand it well but explaining in front of the class? I can’t. I’m afraid I won’t explain it well. I don’t know how to put my thoughts into words.
Growing up taught me how to shut up when it’s unnecessary to speak, when no one asked for my opinion, when I know I’ll get rejected, and if the words that come out from my mouth could hurt someone, and also when It’s pointless to speak because I know I will only get invalidated and misunderstood.
Sometimes I do think that leaving things unsaid is better for the sake of peace but it has become a habit — one that’s hard to detach from my system.
Because of my fear of getting judged by what’s coming out of my mouth, I lost many opportunities both inside and outside of school. I lost friends. I don’t know how to defend myself even in arguments anymore. I’m afraid of expressing my feelings to someone whom I like sincerely. I can’t express my emotions and thoughts well to anyone may it be to my parents or friends. I hate why I grew up like this when speaking was my forte back when I was a kid, and now as a teenager, it’s my greatest fear. I don’t know what went wrong.
I deeply admire those who are brave enough to speak up. Oh, how I wish I was like them too.
I know that being judged is inevitable but I also realized that’s what makes it unique. Voicing out with judgments around you will help you become a better speaker. You’ll be more sensitive with the words you’ll say. You’ll be able to share your thoughts with anyone. You’ll be able to learn, grow, and be a better person than you are now. Getting judged is sure scary but it’s a part of our lives and that’s just how life is.
“Speaking to someone or in front of a sea of people is scary but if you won’t take the risk, how will you overcome your fear?”
It’s not easy to overcome it but I know soon, I will.
Easier said than done they say, which is true but who knows, maybe someday, in the long run, I can find myself on a rainy or sunny day speaking my thoughts out without anything holding me back. Finally overcoming and breaking the walls I’ve built due to the fear that’s stopping me from putting my thoughts in mind to words that are coming out of my mouth.
But if I was brave enough to speak, It would surely make a difference.
